2021 Yearbook

 Eat, drink and be merry...

because this fekking horrible year, that was supposed to be better than its shitstorm predecessor, is nearly over!

Don`t get me wrong...i`m from Yorkshire, God`s own country, full of Northern charm and grit. But I`ve had a bellyfull of 2021 and I`m dumping it like a badass.

January we went into another Lockdown and the twins return to University was delayed. For me the biggest "Smother"  going I was delighted , for them not so much fun. Lily is a home bird , so she didnt really mind staying a little longer,  grazing from the "Christmas fridge" as she calls it and hosting karaoke parties in our disco ball lit kitchen. James has a beautiful bird in Durham whom he pined for so much that I`m sure we broke the law for and asked her to join us. I discovered Instagram as I had to give up my beloved  Nokia brick phone and get a phone that I could be contacted on 24hrs a day by work, friends, strangers all wanting me to "like" them. I`m a very friendly lass but I miss my pre Covid Luddite innocence.

February, no Valentines except from homeless people, maybe they counted more.  We managed to get our homeless lads vaccinated early, that brought a tear to my eyes, those who were last came first for once. Little bit of snow, zero degrees in the classroom and all the windows open. Zoom quizzes, Zoom lessons online and Zoom Hokey cokey with the Nursery class just to give their Mums half an hour off. Mr N took great delight in bringing me my Ribena in a large wine glass and plonking it down  mischievously in full view of my colleagues at virtual staff meetings. The bar was open every night of course. I think I really realised the value of hugs that month. Hug deprivation set in.

March gave us an amazing early Spring and I felt in love with the World and flowers and music again. April marked my half century, I saw the sunrise with Jemima. We reopened our kitchens at Manna House and welcomed everyone back, outdoors parties of 6 were all the rage. It was warm enough to go swimming in Coniston and that became my escape. Swimming in Coniston water is magical, deep enough to cover all the shipwrecks in any girl`s heart.

May and June I went quite loopy and spent all my birthday money on tickets for concerts, live music was so

 amazing to hear again...to feel alive again. July we got Covid in the Neal house, the happy by product being we all realised how much people cared for us and we shed our Lockdown Corona curves as we didnt eat much for weeks and were bed or toilet bound! I had it bad and collapsed, waking moments later to finding Matt with his head up my nightie about to attempt CPR.

August we came to life in Wales and Cornwall and the weather was so kind, we were happy again, literally solar powered the lot of us. September and October I began working more at Manna House cooking which is my reason for being here I think, and actually looked forward to going to work each morning- the dream. Another holiday to Cornwall calmed any hurt in my heart and soul, the sea, the moon, the stars weaved their magic on me.

November and December have been interesting , a bout of Bell`s Palsy, then catching Covid at Midnight mass for my sins are two adventures I could have done without. Even in the depths of despair there have been moments of gallows humour that have dragged me through. Every day spent at Nursery has saved my sanity. The pure joy of watching their faces when Santa visited and being called Clarebear by a 4 year old who told me I should seriously buy a motorbike has put lead in my old worn down pencil!

 My cats are basically psychic and won`t leave my side, I think I`m going through the "many paws " and will become a mad cat lady yet. So in retrospect it hasn`t been all bad.

There has been music, flowers, love, sunsets, sunrises, heartbreak and restoration. All underpinned by the best ship that is friendship.

Maybe I could go back to playing snake games  solo on my Nokia, I think not,maybe the Pandemic has brought us all closer together and I shouid cherish that. It has been a Coronacoaster ride for me this year but I am certainly glad to still be here.  I will still be in isolation on New Year`s eve, maybe Covid is the gift that keeps giving. I am excused from any parties. I`ve realised I`m not as sociable as I pretended to be.

I will be happy to kiss 2021 goodbye , in my Kimono, drinking a massive glass of homemade orange wine and I will remember all my friends who have made life less difficult for me, in my hopes and prayers for a healthy and wealthy 2022 jam packed with shenanigans and love and shedloads of roast potatoes. The key to happiness!

Roast potatoes

Peel a bag of red skinned potatoes and halve and boil in salted water for 10 minutes.

In the oven have some lard, beef dripping or olive oil heating up.

Drain the potatoes and give a really good duffing up, so they are fluffy round the edges. Sprinkle 2tbs dried semolina over them and shake them up. Pour the potatoes carefully into the hot fat and cook in a hot oven 200 degrees until crunchy and golden. Add seasalt afterwards before serving.

I like to serve these with roast beef that has been coated in brown sugar and mustard, and cauliflower cheese from my last blog. Oh and Yorkshire puddings, I am the personification of a Yorkshire pudding. Nowt special , cheap but delicious!!

Happy New Year to all my besties, you know who you are, I couldnt do without you xxx

Comfort and Joy

 Mrs Smiley goes wonky

At my first teaching job in York 28 years ago I was known as Mrs Smiley, I just don`t have a resting bitch face, more like a resting  grin face. I can`t help it, I was born with happy genes. People often underestimate a grinning loon such as myself. Believe me when I say , if I`m cross with someone and give them a bollocking, doing it with a smile is much more terrifying!

My usual plan of action in all that I do is to keep positive and keep smiling...it always pisses off the most negative of opponents, but this weekend I couldn`t keep it up.

I was happily cooking all Sunday morning, a bit bleary eyed and headachey but Saturday night always comprises of fizzy wine and fireworks, so I thought nothing of it. Then I went to put my lippy on, red Chanel warpaint as usual and was alarmed to find my smile was a bit crooked.

Mr N ever the optimist declared I was having a stroke and called 999. They did take me on a rollercoaster ride with blue lights to Lancaster Royal Infirmary ever so quickly. I was literally in a real life episode of Casualty, which is my worst nightmare! I have been to hospital once to be born and two more times to give birth , so slightly out of my comfort zone! I had a head CT, ECG, lots of blood tests and then thankfully was diagnosed with Bell`s Palsy which isn`t great but isn`t a stroke!

I am now taking enough steroids to put me in the GB shot putting squad at the next Olympics and have been told to stay in bed. Not an easy thing for a hyperactive Yorkshire terrier such as myself. I think my half term wipe out antics swimming in the sea is to blame, all that Cornish sea water in my lug holes has given me an infection that triggered the facial nerves to misbehave.

I have always been a winker, but will have to use my right eye for now! I bow down to the mighty NHS , the beating heart of our nation who treated me like I was made of gold. So now I temporarily have a resting bitch face, it doesn`t suit me but at least face masks are in fashion right now!

Whenever the shit hits the fan , I hit the pots and pans and food is always my comfort and feeding others is my joy.

At the homeless charity where I cook , my wonderful colleagues and team of volunteers have still knocked out a delicious cheeky Tuesday free lunch today for anyone who needed it. One of my clients sent me a very nice bottle of wine that he informs me he didn`t rob off anyone!!

Here`s a cauliflower recipe to make you say cheese even with a wonky smile xx

Cauliflower say cheese!

1 large cauliflower

2 large leeks , washed and sliced

2tbs butter

1 pint milk

1 tbs flour

8oz red leicester cheese grated

2 tsp English mustard

Handful of grated cheddar, mozzerella and grated Parmesan

I don`t boil the cauliflower to death like my darling Nanna used to, just wash and cut into florets and put in an ovenproof dish. Then start on making the cheese sauce. Melt the butter in a pan and fry the leeks in it, add the flour to make a roux, stir in the milk, I use a balloon whisk to get all the lumps out.  Then use a hand blender to whizz up the leeks this adds a hidden vegetable and depth of flavour to the sauce(secret flavour boost!)When it has made a smooth white sauce add salt, pepper, mustard and stir in the red leicester and stir until it is all melted in. Pour over the raw cauliflower and top liberally with the other cheeses which will add more cheesiness , gooeyness and taste. Bake in a medium oven for 30-40 minutes until the cauliflower is cooked and the cheese is golden and crunchy ontop.

I`d follow this with a slice of fruit cake and crumbly Wensleydale cheese just to be even more comforting. Like my Nanna used to say "a cake without cheese is like a kiss without a squeeze!"

Normal smiley service will be resumed asap. xxx

Keep it in the family

   If you`re going to have a biscuit have a good one!

All my best childhood memories revolve around food and memorable times with my family.

My first memory is trying to reach up for chocolate biscuits on the table when my Mum was having a 70s coffee morning. I managed to pull all the biscuits and a coffee pot on my head and ended up in the burns unit of our local hospital being shoved into an ice bath. I am glad to report the ice saved my chest from being scarred and coffee and chocolate biscuits are still my favourite things!

Food should be tempting and if you`re going to have a biscuit have a good one I say. When I was a young newly qualified teacher, I had a mountain shopper bike. That is a boys bike with a big girly basket on the front that I could fill with wine and chocolate every night on my way home from school. I once got knocked off the bike outside The spotted Cow, now a Chinese buffet near the Barbican centre in York, by a bin waggon. My red wine smashed and to any passers by it looked as though there had been alot of blood spilled...no , just two bottles of Shiraz. I was relieved that my chunky Kit Kats stayed intact and provided balm for my bruised bottom and hurt pride.

I used to live near the chocolate factory and every Monday as I cycled to Aqua aerobics I would literally get a lungfull of chocolate on my way. Those days I survived on a diet of Kit Kats and St. Moritz menthol cigarettes. Many of my family had worked at Rowntrees and used to get "solids" a perfect looking Kit Kat that was in fact solid chocolate that was a product of the trial runs of chocolate that flowed before every production line. Arrrr those days of wine and chocolate are no more and I would give anything to keep cycling to my Grandma`s house in Huntington and find her there.

She always had a pantry full of tins full of homemade cakes and biscuits. My auntie passed on the family shortbread recipe to me  recently and it read like a love letter and tasted like pure love.

If you`re going to have a biscuit have a good one! Anything made with that much butter is just my cup of Earl grey ! I hope you make these for your family and pass the recipe on, they keep for ages in a tin but with my own family , for that to be the case I`ll definately have to hide the tin!!

I am going to take some to work tomorrow and I might just cycle there too...

Davo shortbread

4oz caster sugar

8oz butter

2oz ground rice, or semolina

10oz flour

Whizz it all up in a food mixer until it makes a ball of dough. Cut into 1/2 inch thick rounds or fingers. Bake in a 180 degrees oven for 20 mins or until golden and crisp. Sprinkle with caster sugar, eat with a nice cuppa and someone who you count as family . xxx

Lemon posset and Auntie Wendy`s shortbread

 A change of Season

You don`t know what love is until it leaves...

When I found out I was having twins 20 years ago it was quite a shock. In York you didn`t have your first baby scan until you were half way through your pregnancy, so at 20 weeks I skipped off from a teacher training day at my beloved Fishergate CP school to York district hospital to have a look at "Billy the fish" as we had nicknamed the very active baby. Turns out all the movement I felt whilst eating my fish and chips at Filey was indeed two babies.

After reassuring Mr N that the two heads were  infact on two separate babies (!) we were delighted to discover Billy had a twin sister Lily in there too, the womb mates were very clear on the monitor but there was a problem. "Billy" had an echogenic bowel and I was offered a termination as it was an indication of an abnormality. I had seen them both swimming around on the screen and knew they were my babies and that was that... we continued with the pregnancy and they arrived in early January , on a snowy day ,both weighing over 7lbs and healthy.

It was one of the most extraordinary events in my life, watching them thrive and develop in synchrony has been a treat every day since.  Watching them grow up, fall in love and leave is hard, highly emotive and fills me with equal lashings of sadness and deep pride. Happy and sad are two sides to the same coin when you watch your babies go off to college. It`s a new season for us all and the sadness is simply the price we pay for love.

This is a family favourite... I know they will always return home full of stories, ladened with dirty washing to my kitchen table where there is always love on a plate for them...

Lemon posset

600ml Double cream

2 large lemons, juice and zest

150g caster sugar

Boil the cream and sugar in a pan slowly until it comes to the boil, let it boil for 4 minutes then set aside to cool a little. Then whisk in the juice and zest and pour into 5 cocktail or sundae glasses. Leave for 4 hours in the fridge to set.

Serve with shortbread, made by Auntie Wendy (the recipe is a secret, I`d have to murder you if I told you it!)

I`m working on it... shortbread recipe to follow 😀❤

The affection and appreciation I get from my children is my definition of true love.

No nasty pasties thankyou x

 Holiday nosh

I spent last week in Cornwall, living my best life with my favourite people , in my favourite place.

My Grandad Roy Grundy , took my Dad to Gorran in the 1950s , he had found this paradise after the war- sent there to recuperate and heal after his plane crashed.

My Dad brought us to Gorran as a family in the 1970s and every year since. Whenever we need to recuperate and heal ,because life crashes inevitably now and then ,Cornwall is the place to go.

I never underestimate the healing properties of the sea and I spent the majority of my holiday swimming in the velvety waves and dragging my children into the water like a mermaid enticing sailors onto the rocks.

We are Northern - so wet suits were not required. Our sturdy , stoicism impressed our Southern holiday pals who spent the first half hour of entering the icy waves welping their displeasure at the cold. I got up to watch the sunrise everyday and was usually swimming to the Gwineas (nearby island) by 7am . The best bit was my Mum was always waiting at the edge of the ocean with a warm towel and a flask of Brandy laced coffee.

To get to the age of 50 and still have your Mum waiting for you was a bit special. She`s a bit special, 75 and newly blonde, she is a local artists` muse and made us all laugh with her red polka dot bikini.

My days were spent reading, swimming and eating and drinking delicious things. There is something that makes sense about eating a proper Cornish pasty in Cornwall surrounded by people who think I`m the greatest! (Nasty pasties were not welcome on this trip, strictly only luvvybums were allowed!) We spend alot of our working lives with people who don`t notice us or really see how wonderful we are!

My Mum had her rose tinted sunglasses on for sure last week... I have come home feeling invincible and loved up by her...I know I`m not the greatest but she thinks I am. So today my cup was full and I was in a great position to help others. (You cannot serve from am empty cup).

At the homeless charity I work at we had a brilliant cheeky Tuesday  today and made a yummy quiche, using a recipe my Mum told me about last week when we met up at 4pm daily to eat cream scones and drink Champagne. Everyone needs a cheerleader, I`m so lucky to have my Cornish fanclub!

Sweet potato quiche

2 large white fleshed sweet potatoes grated

6 eggs

400g grated red Leicester cheese

Grate the sweet potatoes and squeeze out any excess water. Add a beaten egg and a sprinkle of cheese and push into a baking tray instead of pastry. Cook in a medium oven until crunchy. Whisk up the other 5 eggs , add the cheese and pour over the crust , cook again for 30 mins until set like a quiche.

This recipe goes to show three is definately the magic number, so easy and inexpensive and totally delicious.

I hope you all have had a wonderful Summer and have had time to rest and be thankful with those who really know you are the greatest... 😉

Yummy Mummy fish pie

 I`m not really a yummy Mummy , I admit it. More like a slummy Mummy, I can wash the whole kitchen floor with my feet and one wet wipe whilst drinking a glass of Cava rosado slushy!

Good enough is good enough in our house... my children have all made it to early adulthood alive and well and above all happy. Where there`s muck there`s brass my Grandad used to say. I`m unashamedly mucky. I am not a bleach baby who cannot rest until all the remote controls are aligned and all the towels are straight. Wonky everything suits me just fine.

My family knows I have always got room for another one...waifs and strays are always welcome in my house, there`s always a cuddle, cuppa and cake available for anyone one who is in need of some Clarey tlc. If they have OCD perhaps they better go elsewhere though!

Last week we had new windows fitted which was a massive job, 12 Georgian windows and sashes removed after 130 years creates alot of dust. The carpenters were brilliant and charming. My daughters miraculously got up early everyday , applied false lashes and had a daily tussle over who could bring the workmen coffees! I just applied the belt and braces approach and left them Kit Kats and Hawkshead beers for later as I skipped off to work. Every night it was like the Elves and the shoemakers and I came back to a new window and hoovered house.

So my lovely house has had a facelift , although internally  it now needs some decorating and my lovely daughters will miss the cheeky carpenters, but the improvements have  lifted everyone. On Friday night I went out for cocktails feeling boosted by our lovely new windows. Who should I bump into but the favourite carpenter who was so polite when on the job. I made him blush when I revealed my girls were contemplating breaking a window or two in hope of his return to sort out the snags!

I think this year I`ve been buffering along waiting for the show to start! Now is all we have...now is the best time to make a start to improve your everything, your home , your self , your attitude. My attitude is simply one of gratitude, like my house I could probably do with a facelift and a tidy up but I`m warm and welcoming...I`m enough. The house looks fantastic from the outside but it`s all the love and megalols that go on in the dusty interior that make it really special. Likewise, happiness, true happiness is an inside job. I`ve met many beautiful nasty pasties who I wouldnt entertain at my house and lots of wrecked and ruined homeless people with palatial personalities.

 I didn`t have the heart to tell the window man he had cut through a wire and killed my outside freezer. Instead I used all the fish in it to make a Yummy Mummy fish pie and put a new plug on the fridge and turned it into a wine fridge, slummy Mummys have so much more fun!

Yummy Mummy fish pie

5 salmon fillets

2 cod fillets

1 seabass

2 bags of tiger prawns in garlic butter (this was all in my freezer, use any fish you like!)

3/4 pint whole milk

1 bay leaf

10 potatoes boiled and mashed

1/2 red onion grated

Grated mozzerella

grated parmesan

fresh parsley chopped

1 tbs butter

1 tbs flour

4oz strong cheese

1 slug white wine

1tsp English mustard

1tbs condensed milk

Firstly poach all the fish in the milk , add bayleaf. When it comes to the boil turn it off, remove bayleaf and fish and reserve milk for sauce. Flake fish into ovenproof dish. To make sauce, melt butter and add flour and milk and whisk until thickened , add a slosh of wine, grated cheese, mustard and parsley pour over fish.

Boil and mash potatoes in salted water , mash with butter, red onion, pepper and the condensed milk , sounds slummy , tastes yummy. Add mozzerella. Top the fish with potatoes fork the top and put more butter and parmesan on top. Bake for 30 mins in a medium oven 180c until bubbling, serve with greens and a big glass of Slummy Yummy Mummy wine!

Good to be alive vibe

 Spice of life

I have been so low lately and I thought I was unsinkable. Covid bit me on the bum for sure, despite being double jabbed! It only managed a nibble and I`m glad to report I`m back in business, living for love and loving to eat!

Whilst ill I had zero interest in food, coffee, alcohol and Love. I think this is what it must be like to be dead. All the passions untasted, what a sorry waste.

Today was the end of term, so big dreams and holiday happy hormones are zooming round my system. I sat outside in the sunshine and felt totally solar powered... it was a beautiful day of recharging and reconnecting with my special ones.

Relationships are the most important contributor to happiness in our lives. They make us more contented, healthier and even live longer. Let`s face it we`ve all been disconnected  from our friends and families these past couple of years. Reconnecting with my close ones has got to be top of my holiday to do list. Friends and family  provide love, meaning, support and an increased sense of self worth. When you are ill you know who really cares for you.

My best friend texted me all the time, my furry friends never left my side for ten days, so comforting, bringing warmth and energy and illuminating dark days with their brightness.

I think my family has missed my cooking... when I worked at The Bodrum Turkish restaurant in Manchester the chefs used to throw knives at each other. In my absence my children have been standing the heat in the kitchen , whipping up fish finger butties , homemade soups and quesadillas to die for...not literally of course! I am so proud of them and how they have tried to entice me to eat as my senses slowly reawakened.

So the first thing I`m doing this holiday is making them a feast to spice up the weekend, soul in a bowl, spicy , just how we all like it. It`s so good to be alive...I`m so hungry for everything. It`s going to be a great Summer...

Tandoori king prawns

500g large tiger prawns, tails on, peeled and deveined

4 cloves garlic crushed

2 tsp hot chilli powder

4 inch piece fresh ginger grated

2tsp garam masala

1tsp cumin

1 tsp cinnamon

8floz plain yoghurt

1 tbs runny honey

seasalt

juice 2 lemons

In a bowl put all the spices and yoghurt and lemon juice and prawns and marinate overnight.

Either barbecue for three minutes on hot coals or grill for ten minutes until sweet but slightly charred. Serve in a warm brown chappati  with lots of red onion and fresh coriander.

Mint raita-

4 tbs Greek yoghurt

2 tbs mint sauce

2 cloves garlic grated

chilli powder, seasalt

squeeze lemon juice, splash of olive oil

Mix it all up and leave to marinate, drizzle on the Tandoori prawns. (Tastes prawnographic, sexy feel good food believe me!)

What`s for dinner Clarey?: Cake holes

What`s for dinner Clarey?: Cake holes:  Have your cake and eat it... I am a romantic and even though my big stupid heart has been fractured on numerous occasions I still believe i...

Cake holes

 Have your cake and eat it...

I am a romantic and even though my big stupid heart has been fractured on numerous occasions I still believe in love. So this weekend I got to go on an all inclusive ride on the Love train that was my friend Debbie`s wedding!

Those of you who know me well, know I`m just a girl who can`t say "No!". My emotions always rule my head and if anyone asks me to do something, however outrageously out of my comfort zone I will find myself nodding yes yes yes, even though my inner sensible self is tutting smugly at another fine mess I find myself in. This was true when I found myself last year offering to make the wedding cake for my beautiful friend.

The wedding was cancelled twice due to the pandemic and I was so delighted for her when it was rearranged and she could finally marry her truelove Malcolm. They are a perfect pair and deserve the best of everything...including the best cake I could magic up for them. I did suffer a little from imposter syndrome during it`s construction, Great British Bake Off will not be receiving my application anytime soon...I`m a rubbish baker! But I`m a very good friend.

So I soaked the fruit in flaggons of sherry and actually weighed and measured all the ingredients out meticulously, unheard of usually for this unruly girl. Three beautiful cakes resulted and then came the decorating bit... the potty mouth was unbelievable I didn`t know I knew so many swear words!!

I have a dipsomaniac cat called Lola who has a primordial pouch and a penchant for sherry trifle. Last year she cost me £300 at the vets for teeth extraction because she`s always got her head in the trifle bowl or biscuit tin. So when she smelled the waft of sherry soaked fruit she went into overdrive. She kept trying to kill the cakes when I had my back turned and I had to keep batting her off the kitchen table as she was on a mission to pounce on my beauties and drag them back to her cat basket!

My lovely Jemima was curious as to who I was swearing at and was quite surprised to find me ranting at three cakes and our slightly chubby Tabby cat. Sensibly she took command of the situation and fed Lola a huge bowl of salmon, after which  the naughty feline slinked off in search of any Kitkats that might have fallen down the back of the sofa!

I then miraculously managed to roll out marzipan and icing enough to cover the cakes and glued it all down with warm apricot jam! The next day I caught several members of my family attempting to cut the cakes by snaccident but I intervened and delivered them safely to the chapel of love in town in time for the big day.

Cake is a comfortingly Northern preoccupation. I wonder if down South they even know what a cakehole is? They probably have a crudite hole or a hummus hole. There`s nowt like a homemade cake in my mind to say quite simply I love you, you matter.

So back to the Wedding day and half an hour before the ceremony I was disguising my lack of icing artistry with pink silk ribbons and pansies and in truth it looked lovely and tasted divine. Fitting for the lovebirds I had baked it for.

I cried all throughout the service, when you see what love really looks like it can well up in your heart and gather in your eyes, thank heavens for waterproof mascara. Love is what you`ve been through together and survived. You love someone despite all their shortcomings and sometimes it`s not a choice who you love, it`s just inevitable. 

The dearly beloved couple gave me so much hope. The cake was a success and to my knowledge noone choked on a tabby cat hair! I am so grateful to have been a little part of their big day it renewed my faith in Love once again. Love and marriage can infact go together like a horse and carriage, rather than the pork pie and custard image that springs to mind when I think of my parents marriage!!

Love makes life worth living and it was everywhere this weekend!The Wedding joy, the tears, the unusual feel of hugs, even my cake - all powered by love. So actually I`m glad I can`t say no, say yes to everything, say yes to Love.

Recipe for love

Jemima came home from a Duke of Edinburgh expedition and asked for love in a bowl- linguini!

8oz steak mince

4 fat cloves garlic crushed

2 red onions sliced olive oil to fry

2tbs tomato puree

1 stick celery, chopped, 1 carrot diced

2 tins tomatoes

pinch of sugar

1 jar green pesto

chilli flakes, cumin. mixed herbs, seasalt, ground black pepper

cup of milk, 2 stock cubes, 2 big glasses red wine

linguine, fresh parmesan

Fry the onions, garlic, celery and carrots until golden, add a tsp sugar to caramelise. Add the mince and brown it, add the tomato puree and cook for a further 10 minutes . Add tomatoes,  stock,spices, wine and milk ,all sounds a bit random but continue cooking for 30 minutes until it is all combined perfectly and add pesto at the end to enrich the sauce.

Spoon into a warm bowl of buttered linguine, top with black pepper and parmesan and mop up the sauce with toasted sour dough. Get it down your cakehole! This certainly made my unhappy camper feel loved again.

Motherlove...they should bottle it ❤

Birthday shenanigans

 Big birthdays act like a magnifying glass. If you are happy then all the cake and presents accentuate your joyfulness, if you are a little sad , blowing out all those candles and the forced jollification can be a bit of an ordeal.

Pleasure and pain I find are two sides to the same coin. So I made it to my half century last week, 50 not out! Which I loved because of all the shenanigans, but felt a bit apprehensive about , as I was expecting some limb to randomly drop off ,or my marbles to finally go... I am glad to report I`m still fighting fit and ready for action!

It was a corker from start to finish... I climbed up Scout Scar with Jemima just before dawn to find out what the birds had been singing about. We listened to the birds , had a flask of hot chocolate and I was ready and waiting for my birthday to begin. The sunrise burning over the Howgill fells brought a tear to my eye. 

There was a cross in the pink sky from a jet plane but it seemed  like a heavensent kiss to me from George and Mildred my gorgeous Grandparents. They taught me how to play cards, love the gee gees, love Rowntrees factory waste and be kind to as many people as possible without need for recompense.

We all have a life script that we author by the choices we make. Romance , comedy and  tragedy touch every life and I`m no different to anyone. I am lucky , but I know you make your own luck. The harder I work, the luckier I get. I have loved teaching for 25 years and helping young children realise how amazing they are still gets me where I live (mostly in the heart).

I have a wonderful encore career working with the homeless and vulnerable adults , teaching them to cook and love themselves. To be honest they`ve taught me so much more than I could ever hope to impart. They make me want to be better, kinder, more compassionate. We are after all just here to make life less difficult for one another. I love my life. I live for love.  Lockdown has left me yearning for my family and hugs, blimey, when we`re let out properly in June no bugger will be safe from my clutches!

So the big birthday rumbled on , I got to have fish and chips with my Dad and little brother (he`s 45!) I got to eat Love heart sweets with my beautiful niece Lottie. We went to the Swan at Newby bridge and the food was unreal and we watched the sunset over Windermere. 

Three garden parties , a swim in Coniston water and a surprise night out with the girls later I am wrecked! On my night out with my darling naughty Lily I was very badly behaved. At one point a very handsome work colleague appeared with another bottle of Prosecco for us, my friends were very disappointed to learn he was infact a probation officer rather than a stripper!

So there`s life in the old girl yet, I am surrounded by an abundance of goodness and love and I am grateful for every grey hair and wrinkle. Quite simply I have survived , the past fifty years have been lots of fun and I am excited at the fact I`ve been gifted more life to come. What a lovely life indeed. Face cream on the outside and double cream on the inside is the secret to my success and not taking myself too seriously. We`re here for a good time, not a long time...

Chicken korma in a Yorkshire pudding

When I was a student at Manchester University I appeared on the infamous This Morning with Richard and Judy as part of a student cookery competition. Richard loved this so much Judy had a strop and we didn`t win! I got to drink Champagne for breakfast though with my friend Melanie, maybe we would have done better if we weren`t drunk on daytime telly!

6 chicken thighs

2 onions sliced

4 cloves garlic

butter

curry powder

1 block creamed coconut

1 pint milk

2 tbs sugar

Coriander

1 large frozen Yorkshire pudding cooked.

This was real fusion food thirty years ahead of its time ha ha! 

Fry the onions and garlic and curry powder in a big knob of butter until golden. Add the chicken thighs and brown them for 10 minutes , grate the block of creamed coconut into the pan, a tin of coconut milk will do if you can`t get the block version. Add the pint of milk to the pan otherwise. Add a chicken stock cube and the sugar and cook until the sauce has thickened . Top with a handful of fresh coriander and serve in the Yorkshire pudding, in place of a naan bread! I would prefer this to a birthday cake anyday and anyone who would like to make it for me would be mine forever! 

The kindness of strangers

 Nothing says I love you like a homemade cake!

Pre Pandem I used to treat every day like it was my birthday. A nice glass of wine and piece of cake was all I sought to make me feel contented and celebrated.

The past year has been so hard for many people. In our family we have lost Steve and I cannot believe I will never see that lovely ginger boy again. His funeral was the most lavish camp affair ever. Shiny white coffin and Elton Johnlike floral tributes. His gorgeous partner Jeff must surely be the patron saint of florists! To exit to "Forever in Electric dreams" was utterly brilliant, typical Steve, unapologetic and totally irreverent and marvellous in equal measures.

I will miss him ,always.

At the homeless charity I work at there have been casualties of this Covid war. Such a waste of life. Totally heartbreaking but strangely life affirming when life goes on as it inevitably does. So throughout the pandemic I have cooked three days a week and provided anyone in Kendal who was in need with a free lunch- there really is such a thing.

The kindness of strangers has been my guiding light. At my lowest ebb football clubs, WI groups,hoteliers, all perfect strangers , have contacted me and brought much needed donations of food and money and homemade cakes to provide balm for the hurt minds and bodies of the most vulnerable in our community.

Every week a lovely lady has dropped off a homemade carrot cake at my work and I have always been too busy to see her or receive it properly. To me it has become the symbol of hope for better days. Seriously, it is exquisite, if you make this cake for someone you fancy, it will work like a charm, they will propose to you on the spot after tasting it.

I remember the last time I went out for afternoon tea with our Steve and carrot cake was on the menu, as orange as his crazy hair. He took me to Broadoaks which is a beautiful boutique hotel and we dreamed of celebrating our 50th birthdays there together. 

Some dreams are just not meant to be...

Back to the carrot cake which will work miracles I promise, make it for someone you love. I`m making three tomorrow!

The carrot cake angel left this recipe on the doorstep this week and so I can take no credit for it... at the end of all this horridness I don`t want any more drama or negativity in my life.  The virus has been evil, but an anagram of evil is Live and that`s what we have to do in honour of those we have loved and lost.

Carrot cake

3 eggs

200ml sunflower oil

8oz sugar

1 tsp vanilla essence

8oz plain flour

1tsp baking powder

1tsp bicarb

pinch salt

1tsp cinnamon

10oz grated carrots

4oz each, sultanas, chopped walnuts

2tbs boiling water

For the topping

6 1/2 oz icing sugar

2oz butter

lemon/orange rind

lemon juice to mix

Mix all of the cake ingredients together and spoon into a lined rectangle tin, bake in a fan oven 170C

for 40 mins. Ice when cooled.

This cake will make someone fall in love with you I promise. 😍 xxx

Giving up smoking

Giving up smoking

There`s not a Shakespeare sonnet

Or a Beethoven`s quartet

That`s easier to like than you 

Or harder to forget.

You think that sounds extravagant?

I haven`t finished yet -

I like you more than I would like

To have a cigarette.

Wendy Cope

A poem for International poetry day! If you have never smoked or been addicted to nicotine or someone, you will probably fail to see what an intense love poem that is...

In the past, BC (before children) I had a penchant for St Moritz menthol cigarettes. They came in a Nile green beautiful box and had gold filters. I was a well balanced woman then, a fag in one hand and a large glass of red in the other! I had a mountain bike that I loved riding down Stonegate  at all times of the night whilst often a tad squiffy.

I  was  even a chorus girl in York light Opera society and popped my cork in "Sweet Charity" on the stage of the York theatre Royal. I had to wear a platinum blonde wig and looked an absolute shocker. Those were the days when I had a sunshine yellow VW Beetle and lived on Love and fresh air!

These days all I crave is fresh air in the day, fire at night and the occasional "Wheeee!" when I ride my bike down Beast banks in Kendal. I still love the smell of tobacco, pipe smoke and cigars- I find myself inhaling deeply if I walk through a smoker`s cloud. It`s a sensory time hop back to the days when my Grandads were waiting for me on Clifton green with a bag of black bullets and a ticket to the match on Tuesday nights.

Both of them loved to smoke, smoking killed them both.

So I owe my life to my children, there`s nothing like seeing two heads on a baby scan to make you give up smoking.

These days I`m obsessed with coffee, it`s my new smoking. If I smell a fella wearing " Spicebomb" (which basically smells like a cigar ) I swoon!

In my skills cafes at work this month "Giving up smoking" is my theme. How the actual F am I supposed to do that? I can`t get the lads all pregnant with twins!! But I think I will have to get them addicted to something else perhaps. Fresh coffee and tiffin is always available to make them feel loved, not intense enough though.

Maybe as Lockdown eases we can reinstate our Wednesday walks and they might fall in love with the idea of living again, when you literally wake up and smell the roses it`s a powerful rush...wish me luck.

Recipe for life today is...

Smoked mackerel pate for mermaids addicted to life...

200g Smoked mackerel fillets

120g full fat cream cheese

1 lemon (juice and zest)

4tbs double cream

4 tsps horseradish sauce

Seasalt , black pepper

Whizz it all up and serve on toasted sourdough, preferably outside, around a fire , on the beach in Cornwall!!

Drive thru delivery

 Every St.Patrick`s day I remember the story of my Jemima`s birth. She was due on 17th March and we were living in Cheltenham at the time. I went to put a bet on the Cheltenham races at nearby Evesham and basically got stuck behind the steering wheel of my beloved Volvo estate ( the reg was FEC and our Irish relations affectionately renamed it the Fecmobile!)

After losing my money on the geegees , I am from York and horse racing is in my blood, I went to pick up the twins and then felt an awful twinge . My Irish mum in law was staying with us at the time and she kindly let us go to the pictures that night to watch "Walk the line". The false alarm contractions seemed to synchronise with the booming soundtrack of the film and I really thought the baby was going to be born that night. In truth I`d probably had too many coffee revels and a Magnum and the baby was displeased!

So I spent St.Patrick's night waiting in hospital for my little Patti , Paddy or Patricia to arrive. This baby was collossal, my bump looked like a torpedo but I had been so joyful throughout the pregnancy that I literally couldn`t wait to meet them.

No black velvets were cracked open that night to wet the babies head. I returned home still with the most massive bun in the oven. The midwives were hilarious, apparently love making and curry were the best ways of winkling out the baby, they even prescribed a rampant rabbit if necessary. I loved being pregnant this time, like some Greek goddess of plenty, but no amount of chicken korma or karma sutra was shifting this bundle of joy.

Six days later and we were about to make the trip home to York , for my brother Jamie`s wedding in Bishopthorpe and I was desperate to get there and have a Yorkshire baby! I knew that the baby was coming but the last thing I wanted was me stuck there down south, so I packed the car, put the twins in the back and didn`t  tell  Matt a thing. Through gritted teeth I endured the trip home with aforementioned twinnies singing along to  the 'Lion King' all the way, Hakuna Matata indeed! "It means no worries for the rest of your days", ha ha by the time we reached Chesterfield the contractions were coming every six minutes!

So I confessed and we zoomed down the hard shoulder with the twins thinking this was like the best ride ever at Lightwater valley!

I had been to watch York city play at Chesterfield before, the ground was next to a river and at half time a little old man rowed out in a boat to collect all the stray match balls. But the crooked spire and Dean Kiely were not there to save me this time.

I was dressed like I was going out on the town, I had a red bejewelled top, red toenails, red lippy all in readiness for the wedding next day. 

"Come in",said the lovely midwife, "we`ll have you on your way to York in no time."

When indeed she did "have a look" she said "10cm and labouring!"

Which meant Jemima had at last decided it was time to come to the party!

Being baby number three, she shot out like a missile. I spent the whole night falling in love with my 10 pound prize! The next morning after a quick trip to the registry office , for naming purposes,we set off to the wedding with our drive thru delivery, gatecrasher baby on board. We went to the wedding and I can only say that pink Champagne and a new baby are the best natural painkillers going!

It has been 15 years of fun and parties with our beautiful Jemima, so tonight on St Patrick`s day I will be raising a glass to all our Irish family and friends and smiling at a night to remember.

Slantze!

Black velvet cocktail

Champagne

Guinness

Fill a tall Champagne flute half

way with chilled Champagne and float guinness stout on top of the wine.

This cocktail was designed in 1861 to mourn the death of Prince Albert, I did nearly give Mr N a heart attack by nearly giving birth on the M1 - hakuna matata ha ha!

Love pie

 I`ve never seen anyone really cry whilst eating a pie!

Aren`t  pies brilliant? Moving house, broken heart, new baby, big birthday? Pies r us! When I was pregnant with my twins I remember being anxious that I wouldn`t have enough love for them and all the other special ones I love.

My midwife cleverly reassured me "don`t be so bloody silly, it`s not like your love is a pie that you portion up according to how much love you have to give. When you really love someone they get a whole pie each!"

So I`ve spent the last twenty years making love pies and dishing them out with true Clarey generosity.

When the twins went to University, I was devastated. So proud of them, proud of us for raising such a couple of stars.  But I missed their noisiness, dramas, humour and even the sleepless nights waiting for them to come home in the early hours of Saturday mornings.

The Pandemic brought them home to roost and dare I say it, it`s been a year of megalols in the Nealie household. They`ve even got their Dad hooked on karaoke!! But we all love footy in this house and the "extra time" has been golden, I think we`re past penalties now and they are ready for a whole new season to begin.

It`s within touching distance, Spring seems magical , it`s as if our lockdown has acted like a magnifying glass, every green shoot, every ray of sunshine seems to be urging us on, spreading warmth and hope in our hearts. Summer will be amazing. All I want to do is swim, in a loch, in Coniston , in a Cornish cove!

Although my three little ducks will no doubt go off swimming, over the hills and faraway, they`ll always return with bag fulls of exciting stories and dirty washing! There will always be  beers and cheers for their comebacks and a pie of love  for each of them...

Nut roast love pie

I am a big fan of Poppa Neal`s sausage and leek pie but the other day this variation created itself somehow in my kitchen when everyone was hungry and we didn`t have much in the cupboard!

1 big bag of mixed nuts (Brazil, walnuts, cashews, almonds)

2 large red onions sliced

2 brown bread baps made into breadcrumbs

marmite or vegetable stock

butter or oil

fresh thyme

2 fat cloves garlic

1 egg

100g grated cheese

2 sheets of ready roll puff pastry

Fry the onions and garlic in oil or butter until soft and caramelised

Chop up the nuts, or whizz in a food processor. In a bowl combine the nuts , onions, bread crumbs, thyme and enough stock and egg to make a slack mixture. Fold in some cheese for extra lushness.

Put inside a parcel of pastry , egg wash the outside and cook for 40 mins in a medium oven until the pastry is golden and nut mixture crunchy.

Serve with some green vegetables and creamy mashed potatoes a pie of love fit for your little kings and queens xx

Chin up , we`ve nearly made it!

Lockdown love

 Toffee banana and walnut cake

My lovely twins are currently incarcerated at home , saving all their drama for their Mama as we weather the current Covid lockdown storm.  They are totally delicious but I wish they were out enjoying their best lives, falling in and out of love in true student style- not having a karaoke disco with us, at least in my kitchen the bar is always open and the drinks are on the house!

They were 20 recently and I made them a cake which was sensational considering my Iceland home delivery man had gone AWOL! So I conjured up all my Mary Berry vibes and made a banana cake with some black bananas!Anything that's made with love tastes lovely in my opinion!

Being a Mum is my dream job, my other dream role however is running the learning kitchen at my local Homeless charity. This year I'm still making 30 lunches everyday and nothing says I love you,or you matter,like homemade cake.

This week we were able to demonstrate how much we love and care for our clients by turning our centre into a vaccination clinic. Alot of our guys have difficult lives marred by addictions. On Wednesday we could elevate them and put those so often last in line for lifes feast to the front of the queue. They were visibly moved and reenergised by the jab, their lives were worth saving. It was the shot in the arm of love  they so deserved.

I love my Mum beyond words, shes my touchstone and role model and her love has buoyed me up throughout the current covid storm.

The mother love and pride I felt for my homeless guys this week was so sweet and lifted me out of my Lockdown blues. What a wonderful life we all lead, long live love, long after lockdown ends, I'll remember that day forever.

Twin love banana cake

3 ripe bananas  mashed

8oz SR Flour

6oz soft butter

3 eggs

Large bag of walnuts blitzed

6oz golden caster sugar

Milk

Mix all the ingredients together including half of the walnuts, add milk until it makes a soft dropping consistency.  Bake in a medium oven 180 degrees for 40 minutes until springy.

Next make a walnut praline

Melt equal amounts of golden caster sugar and butter in a pan until it makes a syrup , pour in the walnuts and leave on greaseproof paper to set like a nut brittle.

Next make a sticky toffee sauce ( this is a once year cake!)

6oz muscovado sugar

6oz butter

Melt together until a syrupy sauce is formed, add a small pot of double cream to the pan until a lovely toffee sauce is made.

Pour over the banana cake,  top with shards of the walnut praline!

Don't you wish I was your Mum?😉🤣❤

What`s for dinner Clarey?: The 2020 edit

What`s for dinner Clarey?: The 2020 edit:  Cheat's creme brulee for Effoff 2020 party. I'm so glad to see the back of 2020! To me the key to happiness is all in the edit.  Wh...

The 2020 edit

 Cheat's creme brulee for Effoff 2020 party.

I'm so glad to see the back of 2020! To me the key to happiness is all in the edit.  When I posted jolly Christmas pictures this year, it was of Champagne corks popping, yummy dinners and smiling faces. No one in the right mind would want to see that I burned my roasties on Christmas day and had to resort to M and S frozen ones to save the day.  I didn't capture the moment I dropped the nut roast on the floor next to the cat litter tray and scooped it up without telling anyone. Or when I nearly cut my finger off because someone had smashed my favourite glass and shoved it down the plug hole to hide the evidence.

In my home movie in my mind all these calamities have been erased. The secret is in the edit you see. All I remember are the best bits because my memory is most firmly seated in my heart.

2020 has to be shelved, like a dodgey wedding video of a disastrous marriage, never to be watched again. Just archived , so we dont repeat the same mistakes again.

I should have known on New Year's Eve 2019  when I was at a lovely party and was struck down with a tummy upset just before the strike of midnight it was going to be a shitty year! My friends were calling me to come for a photo, when I was in fact having a mystic poo!!! The most awful start to the shitstorm that followed!

The schools and Homeless charity I work for were amazing last year. They remained open and really pulled out all the stops to provide continuity,  calm and kindness for all lucky enough to enter in.

In my edit of 2020 , I have tried to sweeten all the losses by being grateful for the gains... sadly people lost this year, whose funerals we could not attend are rightly not so easy to forget. Our lovely Steve- unforgettable. 

As the year ground to a halt I had the exciting task of cooking  a Christmas feast at the Homeless charity I work at. Understandably volunteers were thin on the ground and I prayed for a Christmas miracle.

The very next day an email from the very posh Rothay Manor hotel dropped into my inbox. Could they help with anything for Christmas?

I sent a huge wish list, hoping for perhaps some pigs in blankets! By December 21st they delivered 20 turkey crowns , hams, sacks of vegetables even duck fat and crackers! It was incredible and during Christmas week we served all our clients an abundance of food and the TLC they craved. Quite simply love on a plate.

So 2020 has gone and has been stuffed with amazing acts of kindness leaving me feeling hopeful it has brought the best out of us all.

The human spirit can endure great sadness, the brain files away traumas so we can go onwards and upwards and survive. It's all in the edit, if we remembered the pain of child birth, there would only be only children!

We have survived and 2021 offers the promise of healing for the entire World.

My story was so long, my recipe will be super short.

Cheat's creme brulee

1 pot posh madagascan vanilla custard

Frozen berries

Liqueur of choice

Brown sugar

In a ramekin put the frozen berries with a slug of liqueur. Top with posh custard. Sprinkle a dessert  spoon of brown sugar and blow torch until cooked.

Finito.

Time to set fire to the rains of 2020. May 2021 be better for us all xx